Why I hated Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, in case anyone cares.

I went into this movie trying not to expect too much. I thought the previews looked amazing, and lots of my friends that saw it loved it, except for one person who said it was not that great, but still entertaining, and compared it to the Spiderman sequels. This friend ended up being prescient because I thought Spiderman 3 was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, full of squandered opportunity, idiotic moments that didn’t belong, and a wasted cast. Same with The Hobbit.

The movie started out fine, giving the history of the Dwarven kingdom under the Lonely Mountain, Smaug, the conflict with the elves, and just in case you haven’t seen the LOTR movies or read the books, reminding you that Frodo and Bilbo are related and their adventures are linked.  The Shire is beautiful. Bag End is rendered exactly how I imagine it, and after the prologue-style introduction to the history, the movie began with words taken exactly from the book, which if you know me at all you will know that made my heart happy. Gandalf’s and Bilbo’s first interaction was spot-on, and the first meeting of the dwarves and Bilbo was great. They even included some of the songs.

Shortly after that the movie went off the rails. The dwarfs are portrayed in the movie as these awesome warriors who don’t particularly seem to need Bilbo at all and who get saved from predicaments through their own sheer force, by Gandalf, or by luck. In the book, it’s Bilbo’s quick wit and hobbit sense that frequently save them, and while the dwarfs are brave and fight when necessary, they aren’t The Expendables.

The movie also invented a rivalry between Azog (who in the book is dead before the story starts) and Thorin, which was stupid and unnecessary. You don’t need a blood-match rivalry in order to show that the orcs are evil. Throwing the personal grudge in there lessened the meaning of the conflicts between the people groups. The orcs do evil things because they’re evil. It’s not always personal. So that was dumb.

There were many action scenes, particularly in the Goblin kingdom, for which I am pretty sure Jackson’s only guiding sense of direction was what would look cool in 3-D, not what actually happens in the book or would further the plot in any sensical way.

I especially hated what Jackson did to Radagast. In the book, he’s a solitary, simple wizard who loves animals, not a cross-eyed simpleton with bird poo plastered to his face. And a sleigh drawn by bunnies? And giving a hedgehog magical CPR? Seriously?

Also stupid? Elrond’s special magic moon rune reading rock. And Thorin being a bad-a up until he fights Azog again and makes it approximately 2.8 seconds before falling down and not being able to get back up. And Bilbo randomly being awesome with a weapon he’s never used before.

Tolkien’s The Hobbit is about Bilbo having to learn to use his wits and be brave like he never has before. He’s the key to the whole story. In the movie, it was like he was a tertiary character and all the conflicts are about superior force, which contradicted what Gandalf kept saying. This movie did not give you a chance to ponder the deeper meaning. It kept hitting you over the head with THE THEME. It just about had Gandalf turn to the audience and explain that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, not a show of force, and hey, in case you’re an idiot, he’s talking about Bilbo. And oh, did I mention that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, and just in case you missed it the first time, I mean Bilbo?

Including this in the dialogue, then contradicting it with prolonged, unnecessary, and sometimes completely made up action scenes made for a very poor story.

The worst part is the movie was visually stunning and the casting was perfect. Too bad the story-telling did not match these other qualities. Last night I couldn’t decide if the terrific parts outweighed the terrible parts, but today I have decided. The movie was a waste.