The greatest of these...

One of my favorite quotes, which I discovered on Pinterest one day, is “You can’t change people; you can only love them.” I have found that to be very true this year.

This has been a really tough school year. I had 70 literature students, I am the yearbook adviser and had 10 people on my staff, I’m the National Honor Society adviser, and I spent November to February pretty consistently sick with “morning sickness.” (I use quotes because this time it was 24/7 and lasted for months.) And from February til now it was off and on, plus exhaustion and being uncomfortable and not sleeping because of heartburn and leg cramps. All that to say, I kind of have no idea how I made it through the school year. I’m still not done grading and the last day of class was yesterday.

I also had the new and hurtful experience of people talking about me behind my back. Some of it was due to things I could have handled better, and some of it was due to things I believe I did exactly right. The worst part of being gossiped about was not being given a chance to explain, where in some circumstances the person talking had literally no idea what they were talking about because they weren’t connected at all directly to the situation, and in other instances, I wasn’t given the chance to apologize specifically or make things right.

Yesterday I apologized in general to one of my classes for something and asked for a fresh start if any of them have me again next year. I thought it was appropriate but I still lament the fact that no one talked to me directly about any of it.

So what does any this have to do with the Pinterest quote?

I wish I had loved all my students better. I can make them take notes on genres, I can drill MLA into their little brains, we can dissect poetry together and find themes common to humanity and read and critique Shakespeare, but like the apostle Paul says, if I have not love, I am but a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.

And there are some students that I wish I could change, that I could force to see Truth, because I love them fiercely and they know it, but I can’t make them change. They can just know that I will always be there for them no matter what, and I need to get out of my own way and let the Holy Spirit work.

I do love all my students but I don’t think I showed that very well. As a teacher, I believe that it’s more important than anything I have to say about literature to reach a student’s heart but I know now looking back that some students got the noisy gong this year.

Anyway, this is rambly (my blog is aptly named!) and vague because I can’t explain further without divulging things I don’t want to divulge but that is my biggest regret this year. My wonderful husband allowed me to cry all the way home from school yesterday without trying to fix anything. He knew I needed to get it out. It’s actually really hard sometimes to know that all you can do is love someone but because God is God, He can take our meager offerings and turn it into something amazing. I am trying to have faith that He will, and I am praying that next year, and now, I will love better and trust Him more.

Even though this will annoy my little brother, I’m going to end this entry with some of my favorite Mumford and Sons lyrics because I think they reflect the Gospel in a beautiful way and also communicate how I feel about this year:

From “After the Storm”

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears,

and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”  

God moves in a mysterious way.

Many of you know (or maybe you don’t) that we got in a fender-bender last week on the way to work. No injuries, minimal damage to both cars, the guy William ran into on I-4 was amazingly nice and understanding about it. The worst part, initially, is that it was Generations Day for homecoming week and William and I were dressed up as old people. If you saw the picture on facebook, imagine my chagrin at having to hand the policewoman my license and explain my outfit. Then my dad came to get me so I wouldn’t be horribly late to work, and I had to walk down the side of I4 in rush hour in my old lady outfit, complete with a stuffed cat and cane. I missed my whole first period class, which I’m still trying to get caught up, and I was angry with William all day because the accident was his fault. My being upset was compounded by him telling me he didn’t know why I was angry because it’s not like he did it on purpose and everything was fine, which of course made me more mad. I eventually calmed down but it was not happy times for the Eggs that day.

We have been on Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover plan for 3 years, slowly but surely paying off debt, living on a shoestring, saving money wherever we can, experiencing setbacks with medical emergencies, car problems, AC problems… and not using credit. I haven’t used a credit card since the end of 2009. Once William got hired full time at Virtual School, we knew the end was in sight for paying off our debt. We have been living like before and putting literally everything we make at ICS and everything William makes teaching at Reformation Bible College toward paying off our debt. Last fall we projected getting out of debt in May of this year. Then it moved to April. Then it moved to late March. I have been praying that we would somehow get out of debt even quicker than that. The Lord has blessed us beyond belief with good work to earn money, and He is gracious, and I laid this burden at His feet. A couple weeks ago we did our taxes and our estimated debt-free date moved up to late February/early March. I have still been praying that God would somehow make a way for us finish our payments sooner.

Well, last week the insurance guy came to look at the Avenger to assess the damages. It’s minor body damage only, no mechanical damage, no need for a rental, no reason to not drive the car around, and they sent us a check for the cost of the repairs.  A big fat check.  After 3 long years of a $50/week grocery budget, limited “fun” money, building up then having to drain our emergency fund, counting every penny…. we should be out of debt in 3 weeks. God answered my prayer by allowing a minor car accident. In a couple months we will pay cash to get the car repaired, after basking in financial freedom. We will no longer be shackled to Wells Fargo.

From “God Moves in a Mysterious Way” by William Cowper

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.

Why I hated Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, in case anyone cares.

I went into this movie trying not to expect too much. I thought the previews looked amazing, and lots of my friends that saw it loved it, except for one person who said it was not that great, but still entertaining, and compared it to the Spiderman sequels. This friend ended up being prescient because I thought Spiderman 3 was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, full of squandered opportunity, idiotic moments that didn’t belong, and a wasted cast. Same with The Hobbit.

The movie started out fine, giving the history of the Dwarven kingdom under the Lonely Mountain, Smaug, the conflict with the elves, and just in case you haven’t seen the LOTR movies or read the books, reminding you that Frodo and Bilbo are related and their adventures are linked.  The Shire is beautiful. Bag End is rendered exactly how I imagine it, and after the prologue-style introduction to the history, the movie began with words taken exactly from the book, which if you know me at all you will know that made my heart happy. Gandalf’s and Bilbo’s first interaction was spot-on, and the first meeting of the dwarves and Bilbo was great. They even included some of the songs.

Shortly after that the movie went off the rails. The dwarfs are portrayed in the movie as these awesome warriors who don’t particularly seem to need Bilbo at all and who get saved from predicaments through their own sheer force, by Gandalf, or by luck. In the book, it’s Bilbo’s quick wit and hobbit sense that frequently save them, and while the dwarfs are brave and fight when necessary, they aren’t The Expendables.

The movie also invented a rivalry between Azog (who in the book is dead before the story starts) and Thorin, which was stupid and unnecessary. You don’t need a blood-match rivalry in order to show that the orcs are evil. Throwing the personal grudge in there lessened the meaning of the conflicts between the people groups. The orcs do evil things because they’re evil. It’s not always personal. So that was dumb.

There were many action scenes, particularly in the Goblin kingdom, for which I am pretty sure Jackson’s only guiding sense of direction was what would look cool in 3-D, not what actually happens in the book or would further the plot in any sensical way.

I especially hated what Jackson did to Radagast. In the book, he’s a solitary, simple wizard who loves animals, not a cross-eyed simpleton with bird poo plastered to his face. And a sleigh drawn by bunnies? And giving a hedgehog magical CPR? Seriously?

Also stupid? Elrond’s special magic moon rune reading rock. And Thorin being a bad-a up until he fights Azog again and makes it approximately 2.8 seconds before falling down and not being able to get back up. And Bilbo randomly being awesome with a weapon he’s never used before.

Tolkien’s The Hobbit is about Bilbo having to learn to use his wits and be brave like he never has before. He’s the key to the whole story. In the movie, it was like he was a tertiary character and all the conflicts are about superior force, which contradicted what Gandalf kept saying. This movie did not give you a chance to ponder the deeper meaning. It kept hitting you over the head with THE THEME. It just about had Gandalf turn to the audience and explain that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, not a show of force, and hey, in case you’re an idiot, he’s talking about Bilbo. And oh, did I mention that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, and just in case you missed it the first time, I mean Bilbo?

Including this in the dialogue, then contradicting it with prolonged, unnecessary, and sometimes completely made up action scenes made for a very poor story.

The worst part is the movie was visually stunning and the casting was perfect. Too bad the story-telling did not match these other qualities. Last night I couldn’t decide if the terrific parts outweighed the terrible parts, but today I have decided. The movie was a waste.

A poem

THE LETDOWN

I set out to do good-

The world was my oyster, as they say.

I was going to shine

A light.

Discovery

Is a harsh master. The light

Shined but I did not

Comprehend it. I thought it shone

For me. And all I would accomplish.

Setting goals for goal’s sake

Leads to a God-forsaken place and I fell.

I fell.

Darkness.

Still I fell. Angry

That my plans went to waste.

I almost cried

“What must I do to be saved?”

A NEW START/CARPE DIEM

As I fell I saw

Their faces

The good brother.

The literature lover.

The runner, the joker.

The pride

Of his father, the quiet

Surprise.

The lively and the lovely ones,

The new ones and the old ones.

I prayed and

I prayed

And I heard God say

“I gave them to you.

Love them like I love you.”

And I am

Trying.

God

I’m trying.

FALL BACK

This room is empty.

Except for one, who sits

And ponders empty

Chairs and tables, scraps on the tables

Papers left behind like fallen soldiers.

What a waste.

What a waste.

But no.

You can’t change

People; you can only

Love them.

That’s no waste.

All is vanity, says the Preacher,

But to eat, drink and enjoy your toil.

This toil

Is a daily grind of minds shrouded

In a mist of mule-like stubbornness,

Efficient

At blocking out anything

But their own way.

Friends,

Lend me your ears.

Am I not an honorable man?

Noble Brutus, noble Brutus, hear me.

I came to bury not to praise.

Here I am to speak what I do know.

THE SUNSHINE AND THE CLOUD

A cloud of charcoal blots the sky

And cries

In the earth. A song,

A song, my kingdom for a song

And a little sun.

April showers

Bring May flowers

But the garden is all rock.

FULL CIRCLE

I gave you

My words and my time

And you took them.

You took them in your hands

Like fragile glass

And smashed it.

A thousand ideas and time

Tinkled on the ground

And I walked over the crunching

Broken pieces.

You were always careless.

logos

Words, words, words. The satirical rogue

Says here that fortune

Is a strumpet, but

I could count myself

The king of infinite space.

When I think back on the years

Rolling like a thunderbolt

That brought me here, it’s all just

Words, words, words.

In the beginning

Was the Word.

It was with and it was and ever shall be,

Words without end, Amen.

Nothing but intended

Meaning understood, accomplished and applied.

The Dark Knight Rises: my thoughts.

If you haven’t seen the movie and want to be completely spoiler free, you probably shouldn’t read this. I discuss some plot events in detail, though I don’t give away any major plot turns. Now that that’s out of the way… There are so many thought-provoking themes raised in the final installment of Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy, I’m not sure where to start. The movie makes clear reference to the horrors of the French Revolution by way of allusions to A Tale of Two Cities, one of the greatest books ever written. Barsad and Stryver are two characters in the movie; Sydney Carton’s famous final speech is used in a moving way. In one scene, after Bane and his henchmen have taken over Gotham, supposedly freeing the people from oppression by the rich, there is a court scene straight out of the Reign of Terror. The accused even sits in a late 18th century French style chair. There is no justice. The accused are guilty by virtue of being rich, being in some kind of power-role, or a combination of the two. All are seen as oppressors worthy of punishment regardless of what they actually did. Those doing the condemning, and the ransacking and raiding of the wealthy’s homes, do so with the claim of “taking what’s rightfully theirs.” In one of many poignant scenes, Selina Kyle is walking through a now-squalid mansion that has been occupied by the low-lifes of Gotham and grieves over the loss of what was once a beautiful home. Another character remarks in answer to this that the home now belongs to everyone, as if this somehow justifies what they have done. Anyone who knows a little about history knows that the French Revolution was a horrific bloodbath that in no way secured equality. The people were no better off and instead of facing starvation, faced the guillotine if their neighbor so much as suspected them of sympathizing with the aristocracy. This aura of fear is reflected when one of the higher-up police officers lives in semi-hiding in his house, hoping no one realized he is in fact a police officer. Bane’s idea of “equality,” like that of the French Revolution, is reducing everyone to squalor, not elevating the lower classes to prosperity. This movie is violent, of course. But it shows the consequences of violence. Mad men with hatred in their hearts will do violence if circumstances allow. There’s an interesting scene where after Batman has told another character he doesn’t believe in guns, this character saves his life… with a gun. Sometimes the only way to stop evil, armed to the teeth and hell-bent on death, is to out-gun them. The violence that the heroes have to employ is not without consequences, though. It clearly weighs on their bodies and souls to do what no one else can or will in order to keep the city truly free. The performances the actors give throughout the movie are top-notch: among Christian Bale, Marion Cotillard, Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Gary Oldman, Michael Cane, and Tom Hardy there is not a single weak link. The cinematography is beautifully haunting. The moment where Batman lights the side of a building up with flame in the shape of the universally recognized Bat symbol, to give Gotham hope, is one of the most goose-bump inducing moments of any movie. Ever. As a fan of literature, comic books, comic book movies, and great film in general, this picture has so many levels to mull over. It has action, heroism, dialogue, a few subtle moments of humor, romance, and as someone familiar with the Batman comics, quite a few moments where I wanted to squeal loudly in the theater. I settled for subtly pumping my fists or grinning like a doof at my husband. Anyone making a comic book movie after this has a lot to live up to. If you are reading this and you’ve seen the movie, what did you think?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I saw this quote on pinterest and I think it is so right on. It goes along with something I’ve been thinking about lately, which is the nature of forgiveness. As Christians, or even just as people if you don’t believe in Christ, there’s no other way to live than to be forgiving. It should be like breathing. It should be automatic and easy, but because of our sin and natural proclivity to selfishness, it’s often not. But letting resentment build and never confronting the offender, or just truly letting it go and forgiving, is a sure way to kill your own heart and soul. It’s a gradual death though. It begins with a minor offense that you think you’re letting go of, but really you’re stuffing it into a file cabinet in your mind to be brought out, added and compounded the next time a minor offense happens, and it seems a little bigger and you get a little more angry and a little more resentful. Not dealing with it is not the same as forgiveness. It also robs the other person of the chance to seek forgiveness and fix the behavior. Before too long, everything seems like a major offense because you’re holding a long list of minor things together against the person at once. Not telling the person with whom you are upset, and instead somehow thinking they ought to know, is naive at best, and desperately wicked at worst. It deadens your heart and conscience as you push away the Holy Spirit and allow your evil nature to take over. And it’s a sure way to let once-valuable relationships be destroyed by Satan. I’ve seen this attitude destroy friendships and marriages. Isn’t a potentially awkward, maybe painful, conversation worth it to avoid this soul-deadening and relationship-destroying slippery slope?

“The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
‘“I the LORD search the heart
and test the mind,[b]
to give every man according to his ways,
according to the fruit of his deeds.’” Jeremiah 17:9-10

Is your heart attitude leading you to life or death?