A new year

My first grown-up job was as a teacher at a home school/private school hybrid type establishment. I hated it. My second job was teaching at a different school, same(ish) model. I hated it. Part of the problem was I was teaching lower-elementary, which is not at all my gifting, and at both places the admin was not fantastic. My current boss's motto is "Shut up and be nice" which is great advice so I'm not going to elaborate there. At about nine weeks in to that second job, another school, also a home school/private school hybrid type establishment wanted me to come interview. To be more precise, they wanted to hire me and the interview was a formality. (I had somehow established a solid reputation among the education community when I didn't even enjoy my job, but I digress.) They had let a teacher go and wanted me to replace her. I didn't want to go the interview. I had had it with teaching and had it with these schools, and if I took this job, I would spend my school year teaching in two different places, M/W at one, and T/Th at another. My husband told me I had to go. Now this may surprise some of you who know me, but it is incredibly rare that my husband puts his foot down. I think in the almost 8 years we've been married, he's told me maybe 3 times that I absolutely had to do something. So on a fine October day, I went to my interview for the 5th grade M/W teacher job at International Community School. I was looking for a reason to say no. After talking to 4 different people (the chief administrator, the dean of students, the admin assistant, and my potential team teacher) I had no reason at all to say no, so I accepted the job. That was about the time of my first wedding anniversary, so I have now been with ICS about as long as I've been with my husband. After my year teaching 5th grade, I took over middle school English, and after a few years there, took over some high school English classes plus the yearbook, which is what I am still doing. Barely 2 years into my career, I didn't think I wanted to teach. 9 years into my career, I can't imagine doing anything else. Tomorrow, those 5th graders I taught my first year at ICS are starting their last year of high school and I get to see them graduate. Also tomorrow, my son starts pre-K at ICS. I am so excited for him to become a part of this place that has been my home for the past 8 years. I think it's fitting that as the group I started with ends their career at ICS, my son is starting his journey there. I pray for many more beautiful years in this place.

4 weeks to go, but who's counting?

My doctor told me today that after 8 days from now, I could go into labor any time and be fine, and her guess is I won't go the full 40 weeks. While that sent me into a mild panic because there is still no floor in Chloe's room, the crib is in pieces in the garage, we still have to buy a mattress, and my front room looks like a Babies R Us exploded in it, it started me thinking about what I am looking forward to after the baby is here (besides the obvious deep and lovey ones, like meeting my daughter.) In no particular order, a list of those things:

1. Breathing
2. Walking as opposed to waddling
3. No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!
4. Not having to pee at 2 AM on the dot
5. Having a beer with my little bro
6. Eating an Italian sub from Publix, maybe with an Angry Orchard to wash it down
7. Sushi
8. Brie. A whole freakin' wheel just for me. And maybe a glass of riesling to wash it down.
9. No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!
10. No more foot cramps
11. No more round ligament pain
12. Did I mention no more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn?
13. Margaritas with my girls
14. No more nausea
15. No more weird food aversions or cravings
16. And oh yeah... No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!

The greatest of these...

One of my favorite quotes, which I discovered on Pinterest one day, is “You can’t change people; you can only love them.” I have found that to be very true this year.

This has been a really tough school year. I had 70 literature students, I am the yearbook adviser and had 10 people on my staff, I’m the National Honor Society adviser, and I spent November to February pretty consistently sick with “morning sickness.” (I use quotes because this time it was 24/7 and lasted for months.) And from February til now it was off and on, plus exhaustion and being uncomfortable and not sleeping because of heartburn and leg cramps. All that to say, I kind of have no idea how I made it through the school year. I’m still not done grading and the last day of class was yesterday.

I also had the new and hurtful experience of people talking about me behind my back. Some of it was due to things I could have handled better, and some of it was due to things I believe I did exactly right. The worst part of being gossiped about was not being given a chance to explain, where in some circumstances the person talking had literally no idea what they were talking about because they weren’t connected at all directly to the situation, and in other instances, I wasn’t given the chance to apologize specifically or make things right.

Yesterday I apologized in general to one of my classes for something and asked for a fresh start if any of them have me again next year. I thought it was appropriate but I still lament the fact that no one talked to me directly about any of it.

So what does any this have to do with the Pinterest quote?

I wish I had loved all my students better. I can make them take notes on genres, I can drill MLA into their little brains, we can dissect poetry together and find themes common to humanity and read and critique Shakespeare, but like the apostle Paul says, if I have not love, I am but a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.

And there are some students that I wish I could change, that I could force to see Truth, because I love them fiercely and they know it, but I can’t make them change. They can just know that I will always be there for them no matter what, and I need to get out of my own way and let the Holy Spirit work.

I do love all my students but I don’t think I showed that very well. As a teacher, I believe that it’s more important than anything I have to say about literature to reach a student’s heart but I know now looking back that some students got the noisy gong this year.

Anyway, this is rambly (my blog is aptly named!) and vague because I can’t explain further without divulging things I don’t want to divulge but that is my biggest regret this year. My wonderful husband allowed me to cry all the way home from school yesterday without trying to fix anything. He knew I needed to get it out. It’s actually really hard sometimes to know that all you can do is love someone but because God is God, He can take our meager offerings and turn it into something amazing. I am trying to have faith that He will, and I am praying that next year, and now, I will love better and trust Him more.

Even though this will annoy my little brother, I’m going to end this entry with some of my favorite Mumford and Sons lyrics because I think they reflect the Gospel in a beautiful way and also communicate how I feel about this year:

From “After the Storm”

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears,

and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”  

God moves in a mysterious way.

Many of you know (or maybe you don’t) that we got in a fender-bender last week on the way to work. No injuries, minimal damage to both cars, the guy William ran into on I-4 was amazingly nice and understanding about it. The worst part, initially, is that it was Generations Day for homecoming week and William and I were dressed up as old people. If you saw the picture on facebook, imagine my chagrin at having to hand the policewoman my license and explain my outfit. Then my dad came to get me so I wouldn’t be horribly late to work, and I had to walk down the side of I4 in rush hour in my old lady outfit, complete with a stuffed cat and cane. I missed my whole first period class, which I’m still trying to get caught up, and I was angry with William all day because the accident was his fault. My being upset was compounded by him telling me he didn’t know why I was angry because it’s not like he did it on purpose and everything was fine, which of course made me more mad. I eventually calmed down but it was not happy times for the Eggs that day.

We have been on Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover plan for 3 years, slowly but surely paying off debt, living on a shoestring, saving money wherever we can, experiencing setbacks with medical emergencies, car problems, AC problems… and not using credit. I haven’t used a credit card since the end of 2009. Once William got hired full time at Virtual School, we knew the end was in sight for paying off our debt. We have been living like before and putting literally everything we make at ICS and everything William makes teaching at Reformation Bible College toward paying off our debt. Last fall we projected getting out of debt in May of this year. Then it moved to April. Then it moved to late March. I have been praying that we would somehow get out of debt even quicker than that. The Lord has blessed us beyond belief with good work to earn money, and He is gracious, and I laid this burden at His feet. A couple weeks ago we did our taxes and our estimated debt-free date moved up to late February/early March. I have still been praying that God would somehow make a way for us finish our payments sooner.

Well, last week the insurance guy came to look at the Avenger to assess the damages. It’s minor body damage only, no mechanical damage, no need for a rental, no reason to not drive the car around, and they sent us a check for the cost of the repairs.  A big fat check.  After 3 long years of a $50/week grocery budget, limited “fun” money, building up then having to drain our emergency fund, counting every penny…. we should be out of debt in 3 weeks. God answered my prayer by allowing a minor car accident. In a couple months we will pay cash to get the car repaired, after basking in financial freedom. We will no longer be shackled to Wells Fargo.

From “God Moves in a Mysterious Way” by William Cowper

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.

Why I hated Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit, in case anyone cares.

I went into this movie trying not to expect too much. I thought the previews looked amazing, and lots of my friends that saw it loved it, except for one person who said it was not that great, but still entertaining, and compared it to the Spiderman sequels. This friend ended up being prescient because I thought Spiderman 3 was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, full of squandered opportunity, idiotic moments that didn’t belong, and a wasted cast. Same with The Hobbit.

The movie started out fine, giving the history of the Dwarven kingdom under the Lonely Mountain, Smaug, the conflict with the elves, and just in case you haven’t seen the LOTR movies or read the books, reminding you that Frodo and Bilbo are related and their adventures are linked.  The Shire is beautiful. Bag End is rendered exactly how I imagine it, and after the prologue-style introduction to the history, the movie began with words taken exactly from the book, which if you know me at all you will know that made my heart happy. Gandalf’s and Bilbo’s first interaction was spot-on, and the first meeting of the dwarves and Bilbo was great. They even included some of the songs.

Shortly after that the movie went off the rails. The dwarfs are portrayed in the movie as these awesome warriors who don’t particularly seem to need Bilbo at all and who get saved from predicaments through their own sheer force, by Gandalf, or by luck. In the book, it’s Bilbo’s quick wit and hobbit sense that frequently save them, and while the dwarfs are brave and fight when necessary, they aren’t The Expendables.

The movie also invented a rivalry between Azog (who in the book is dead before the story starts) and Thorin, which was stupid and unnecessary. You don’t need a blood-match rivalry in order to show that the orcs are evil. Throwing the personal grudge in there lessened the meaning of the conflicts between the people groups. The orcs do evil things because they’re evil. It’s not always personal. So that was dumb.

There were many action scenes, particularly in the Goblin kingdom, for which I am pretty sure Jackson’s only guiding sense of direction was what would look cool in 3-D, not what actually happens in the book or would further the plot in any sensical way.

I especially hated what Jackson did to Radagast. In the book, he’s a solitary, simple wizard who loves animals, not a cross-eyed simpleton with bird poo plastered to his face. And a sleigh drawn by bunnies? And giving a hedgehog magical CPR? Seriously?

Also stupid? Elrond’s special magic moon rune reading rock. And Thorin being a bad-a up until he fights Azog again and makes it approximately 2.8 seconds before falling down and not being able to get back up. And Bilbo randomly being awesome with a weapon he’s never used before.

Tolkien’s The Hobbit is about Bilbo having to learn to use his wits and be brave like he never has before. He’s the key to the whole story. In the movie, it was like he was a tertiary character and all the conflicts are about superior force, which contradicted what Gandalf kept saying. This movie did not give you a chance to ponder the deeper meaning. It kept hitting you over the head with THE THEME. It just about had Gandalf turn to the audience and explain that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, not a show of force, and hey, in case you’re an idiot, he’s talking about Bilbo. And oh, did I mention that the movie is about the small, every day choices being the ones that overcome evil, and just in case you missed it the first time, I mean Bilbo?

Including this in the dialogue, then contradicting it with prolonged, unnecessary, and sometimes completely made up action scenes made for a very poor story.

The worst part is the movie was visually stunning and the casting was perfect. Too bad the story-telling did not match these other qualities. Last night I couldn’t decide if the terrific parts outweighed the terrible parts, but today I have decided. The movie was a waste.

A poem

THE LETDOWN

I set out to do good-

The world was my oyster, as they say.

I was going to shine

A light.

Discovery

Is a harsh master. The light

Shined but I did not

Comprehend it. I thought it shone

For me. And all I would accomplish.

Setting goals for goal’s sake

Leads to a God-forsaken place and I fell.

I fell.

Darkness.

Still I fell. Angry

That my plans went to waste.

I almost cried

“What must I do to be saved?”

A NEW START/CARPE DIEM

As I fell I saw

Their faces

The good brother.

The literature lover.

The runner, the joker.

The pride

Of his father, the quiet

Surprise.

The lively and the lovely ones,

The new ones and the old ones.

I prayed and

I prayed

And I heard God say

“I gave them to you.

Love them like I love you.”

And I am

Trying.

God

I’m trying.

FALL BACK

This room is empty.

Except for one, who sits

And ponders empty

Chairs and tables, scraps on the tables

Papers left behind like fallen soldiers.

What a waste.

What a waste.

But no.

You can’t change

People; you can only

Love them.

That’s no waste.

All is vanity, says the Preacher,

But to eat, drink and enjoy your toil.

This toil

Is a daily grind of minds shrouded

In a mist of mule-like stubbornness,

Efficient

At blocking out anything

But their own way.

Friends,

Lend me your ears.

Am I not an honorable man?

Noble Brutus, noble Brutus, hear me.

I came to bury not to praise.

Here I am to speak what I do know.

THE SUNSHINE AND THE CLOUD

A cloud of charcoal blots the sky

And cries

In the earth. A song,

A song, my kingdom for a song

And a little sun.

April showers

Bring May flowers

But the garden is all rock.

FULL CIRCLE

I gave you

My words and my time

And you took them.

You took them in your hands

Like fragile glass

And smashed it.

A thousand ideas and time

Tinkled on the ground

And I walked over the crunching

Broken pieces.

You were always careless.

logos

Words, words, words. The satirical rogue

Says here that fortune

Is a strumpet, but

I could count myself

The king of infinite space.

When I think back on the years

Rolling like a thunderbolt

That brought me here, it’s all just

Words, words, words.

In the beginning

Was the Word.

It was with and it was and ever shall be,

Words without end, Amen.

Nothing but intended

Meaning understood, accomplished and applied.