I haven’t blogged in awhile. My last couple entries weren’t even my words. The last was a hymn that I was clinging to because of what I was going through at the time. So much has happened since then, and I keep thinking I need to write, but I haven’t had the time or the heart. There were also too many things I wanted to blog about.
There is one thing, though, that keeps coming back to my mind, and it’s mostly related to the hard times. Several years ago, after my Grandma’s funeral, a friend asked me if it gave me closure. I don’t remember what I said because that time is kind of a blur, but I’m sure I wasn’t honest. Closure means to bring to an end or close the door on, and I have come to learn that’s impossible after loss. I hated the word then, and I hate it now, and even in my pain I think I was polite enough not to tell my friend that. (I remember who it was but they probably aren’t reading this. So if by some crazy chance that person is reading this and remembers saying that to me… that’s awkward. Sorry.)
When someone dies, a grandparent, parent, your child, a friend… or someone wanders out of your life, or suddenly and painfully leaves your life, you don’t get to close the door on it, because for the rest of your own life that person isn’t there. I guess it gets easier with time, sort of but not really, but it becomes an indelible mark on your heart that that person is missing. As you go on with the milestones of life, someone isn’t there that ought to be, and it’s unpredictable when that sharp sense of emptiness is going to smack you in the face.
A few months ago something happened that felt like God took my life, turned it upside down, and gave it a good shake. I haven’t landed yet. And it’s never going to not have happened. It’s never going to not affect me. Thank God He blessed me with amazing friends who held me up with prayer, scripture, and love. I think part of the sense of never having closure is that we’re never done learning about God’s character. Everything happens for His glory; I truly believe that, even if I don’t always understand it.
The other day I was talking to a mom at school whom I’ve known for several years now, and we were semi-joking about the lessons in life we get from God, when He reminds us that He’s in control and we’re not, and how sometimes it’s like “I GOT IT! I’M NOT IN CONTROL! CAN WE END THE LESSON NOW?” But it’s about more than that.
When those painful moments come, I remember that God is my refuge and my strength; an ever present help in trouble; the LORD of Hosts is with me. The God of Jacob is my fortress. I still have my Job moments though, of wondering why these things happen when I didn’t do anything wrong. While God has spared me the fury of His answer to Job, He does remind me that the world is a fallen, wicked place, and terrible things happen. But He is sovereign. He is good. He is love. He is mercy. He is my savior, every day. And I don’t want to close the door on that.
