"When your hope is gone, sing on."

This school year has been off to a rocky start. This past Friday, I had a terrible morning, and a terrible lunch break, and then right after lunch my day turned completely around. I ended up having one of the best weekends of my life.

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself by the time I got to my freshman English class.  I assigned a classwork project, which always makes me feel like I’m not really teaching because I’m not lecturing, and hoped for the best. Well, the students took ownership and got excited about this little assignment that I made up on the spot in a way that they had yet to do this year. Then it was time for my Brit Lit class and they had me in stitches as we read Much Ado About Nothing. I end the day with study hall, and since most of the class needed to be in the gym working on their homecoming banner, we just all went out there. Then it was time for football. If you read my blog, you probably know me personally, which means you know how much I love my Comets. They pretty much rocked the other team, I got a lot of great pictures, and I had a good time chatting with some students not in a classroom setting. It was the most relaxed I've been in weeks.

Then came Saturday. I went with William out to the last part of the RBC fall conference, which was a concert by Andrew Peterson. There are not words that exist to describe how much his music has ministered to my soul over the years. The best way I can think of is that it’s the closest thing to Scripture in how it works on me. The words to his songs are profound. I feel how I feel at the end of a great novel after listening to his music. We arrived at RBC, sat in the second row, chatted with our friends, and waited. As we were waiting for the concert to start, someone from our past who was involved in something that caused us a lot of hurt and that we hadn’t seen in years came by and started making polite conversation. It was super awkward. Then a few minutes later, this person pulled us aside and asked for forgiveness. It was one of the only honest-to-God apologies I’ve ever heard. Not an “I’m sorry if you were offended” but an “I did wrong. Forgive me.” The grace of God was overpowering. I never, ever expected that to happen in this lifetime, which showed me, as always, that His ways are not my ways, His timing is always perfect, and the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways. This was 5 minutes before the concert started. So I started off a wreck before Andrew Peterson even came on.

This concert was a little different in that he gave a lot of background on what inspired his songs, mentioning GK Chesterton and Cormac McCarthy's writings, and his own personal experiences. He talked at length about listening to Satan, the Accuser, and how we need the Church, and to be reminded of Christ’s love, all the time. Those are the voices we should listen to, not the lies from the Father of Lies.

I hadn’t realized until that moment that that’s what I’ve been doing since the school year started. I’ve been listening to the lies that come in quiet moments. That I’m not really doing a good job at ICS. That I don’t spend enough time on home school with my son. That certain people don’t really like me. That I was just in the way at the high school retreat and shouldn’t have even gone. That the time I give up from my personal life for certain people outside of school will never really affect anything. I got a God-appointed reality check yesterday.

“You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already Mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in Mine
So you can rest easy.”

After the concert we went with some RBC friends to a local pub, and as we were sitting outside starting to eat, lo and behold, Andrew Peterson walked past us on his way in to the pub with Ben Shive, who played the show with him, and some other guy. He recognized some of the faces at our table and stopped briefly to chat before heading into the restaurant. I made a lot of jokes yesterday about being a fangirl but seriously… I was so excited. I made my friend Michael go in with me to get a picture. I don’t even remember what I said to the man because how am I supposed to adequately thank someone for the work the Lord has done in my life through them? I hope whatever it was I said after “Can we get a picture with you?” made some kind of sense.

Life can be beautiful, and life can be awful, but in my own inconsistency and mess, God is always at work and present whether I see it or not. I needed to be taken back out of myself and I am grateful that happened this weekend. Getting to meet one of my earthly heroes was just icing on the cake.

“You are holiness and grace
You are fury and rest
You are anger and love
You curse and you bless
You are mighty and weak
You are silence and song
You are plain as the day,
But you have hidden your face--
For how long? How long?

And I am standing in the stillness of the reckoning
The storm is past and rest is beckoning
Mighty God, how I fear you
How I long to be near you, O Lord

How long until the burden is lifted?
How long is this the song that we sing?
How long until the reckoning?
 

And I know that I don't know what I'm asking
But I long to look you full in the face
I am ready for the reckoning.”

A new year

My first grown-up job was as a teacher at a home school/private school hybrid type establishment. I hated it. My second job was teaching at a different school, same(ish) model. I hated it. Part of the problem was I was teaching lower-elementary, which is not at all my gifting, and at both places the admin was not fantastic. My current boss's motto is "Shut up and be nice" which is great advice so I'm not going to elaborate there. At about nine weeks in to that second job, another school, also a home school/private school hybrid type establishment wanted me to come interview. To be more precise, they wanted to hire me and the interview was a formality. (I had somehow established a solid reputation among the education community when I didn't even enjoy my job, but I digress.) They had let a teacher go and wanted me to replace her. I didn't want to go the interview. I had had it with teaching and had it with these schools, and if I took this job, I would spend my school year teaching in two different places, M/W at one, and T/Th at another. My husband told me I had to go. Now this may surprise some of you who know me, but it is incredibly rare that my husband puts his foot down. I think in the almost 8 years we've been married, he's told me maybe 3 times that I absolutely had to do something. So on a fine October day, I went to my interview for the 5th grade M/W teacher job at International Community School. I was looking for a reason to say no. After talking to 4 different people (the chief administrator, the dean of students, the admin assistant, and my potential team teacher) I had no reason at all to say no, so I accepted the job. That was about the time of my first wedding anniversary, so I have now been with ICS about as long as I've been with my husband. After my year teaching 5th grade, I took over middle school English, and after a few years there, took over some high school English classes plus the yearbook, which is what I am still doing. Barely 2 years into my career, I didn't think I wanted to teach. 9 years into my career, I can't imagine doing anything else. Tomorrow, those 5th graders I taught my first year at ICS are starting their last year of high school and I get to see them graduate. Also tomorrow, my son starts pre-K at ICS. I am so excited for him to become a part of this place that has been my home for the past 8 years. I think it's fitting that as the group I started with ends their career at ICS, my son is starting his journey there. I pray for many more beautiful years in this place.

4 weeks to go, but who's counting?

My doctor told me today that after 8 days from now, I could go into labor any time and be fine, and her guess is I won't go the full 40 weeks. While that sent me into a mild panic because there is still no floor in Chloe's room, the crib is in pieces in the garage, we still have to buy a mattress, and my front room looks like a Babies R Us exploded in it, it started me thinking about what I am looking forward to after the baby is here (besides the obvious deep and lovey ones, like meeting my daughter.) In no particular order, a list of those things:

1. Breathing
2. Walking as opposed to waddling
3. No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!
4. Not having to pee at 2 AM on the dot
5. Having a beer with my little bro
6. Eating an Italian sub from Publix, maybe with an Angry Orchard to wash it down
7. Sushi
8. Brie. A whole freakin' wheel just for me. And maybe a glass of riesling to wash it down.
9. No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!
10. No more foot cramps
11. No more round ligament pain
12. Did I mention no more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn?
13. Margaritas with my girls
14. No more nausea
15. No more weird food aversions or cravings
16. And oh yeah... No more *&%^(**&^%^% heartburn!

The greatest of these...

One of my favorite quotes, which I discovered on Pinterest one day, is “You can’t change people; you can only love them.” I have found that to be very true this year.

This has been a really tough school year. I had 70 literature students, I am the yearbook adviser and had 10 people on my staff, I’m the National Honor Society adviser, and I spent November to February pretty consistently sick with “morning sickness.” (I use quotes because this time it was 24/7 and lasted for months.) And from February til now it was off and on, plus exhaustion and being uncomfortable and not sleeping because of heartburn and leg cramps. All that to say, I kind of have no idea how I made it through the school year. I’m still not done grading and the last day of class was yesterday.

I also had the new and hurtful experience of people talking about me behind my back. Some of it was due to things I could have handled better, and some of it was due to things I believe I did exactly right. The worst part of being gossiped about was not being given a chance to explain, where in some circumstances the person talking had literally no idea what they were talking about because they weren’t connected at all directly to the situation, and in other instances, I wasn’t given the chance to apologize specifically or make things right.

Yesterday I apologized in general to one of my classes for something and asked for a fresh start if any of them have me again next year. I thought it was appropriate but I still lament the fact that no one talked to me directly about any of it.

So what does any this have to do with the Pinterest quote?

I wish I had loved all my students better. I can make them take notes on genres, I can drill MLA into their little brains, we can dissect poetry together and find themes common to humanity and read and critique Shakespeare, but like the apostle Paul says, if I have not love, I am but a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.

And there are some students that I wish I could change, that I could force to see Truth, because I love them fiercely and they know it, but I can’t make them change. They can just know that I will always be there for them no matter what, and I need to get out of my own way and let the Holy Spirit work.

I do love all my students but I don’t think I showed that very well. As a teacher, I believe that it’s more important than anything I have to say about literature to reach a student’s heart but I know now looking back that some students got the noisy gong this year.

Anyway, this is rambly (my blog is aptly named!) and vague because I can’t explain further without divulging things I don’t want to divulge but that is my biggest regret this year. My wonderful husband allowed me to cry all the way home from school yesterday without trying to fix anything. He knew I needed to get it out. It’s actually really hard sometimes to know that all you can do is love someone but because God is God, He can take our meager offerings and turn it into something amazing. I am trying to have faith that He will, and I am praying that next year, and now, I will love better and trust Him more.

Even though this will annoy my little brother, I’m going to end this entry with some of my favorite Mumford and Sons lyrics because I think they reflect the Gospel in a beautiful way and also communicate how I feel about this year:

From “After the Storm”

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears,

and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”  

God moves in a mysterious way.

Many of you know (or maybe you don’t) that we got in a fender-bender last week on the way to work. No injuries, minimal damage to both cars, the guy William ran into on I-4 was amazingly nice and understanding about it. The worst part, initially, is that it was Generations Day for homecoming week and William and I were dressed up as old people. If you saw the picture on facebook, imagine my chagrin at having to hand the policewoman my license and explain my outfit. Then my dad came to get me so I wouldn’t be horribly late to work, and I had to walk down the side of I4 in rush hour in my old lady outfit, complete with a stuffed cat and cane. I missed my whole first period class, which I’m still trying to get caught up, and I was angry with William all day because the accident was his fault. My being upset was compounded by him telling me he didn’t know why I was angry because it’s not like he did it on purpose and everything was fine, which of course made me more mad. I eventually calmed down but it was not happy times for the Eggs that day.

We have been on Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover plan for 3 years, slowly but surely paying off debt, living on a shoestring, saving money wherever we can, experiencing setbacks with medical emergencies, car problems, AC problems… and not using credit. I haven’t used a credit card since the end of 2009. Once William got hired full time at Virtual School, we knew the end was in sight for paying off our debt. We have been living like before and putting literally everything we make at ICS and everything William makes teaching at Reformation Bible College toward paying off our debt. Last fall we projected getting out of debt in May of this year. Then it moved to April. Then it moved to late March. I have been praying that we would somehow get out of debt even quicker than that. The Lord has blessed us beyond belief with good work to earn money, and He is gracious, and I laid this burden at His feet. A couple weeks ago we did our taxes and our estimated debt-free date moved up to late February/early March. I have still been praying that God would somehow make a way for us finish our payments sooner.

Well, last week the insurance guy came to look at the Avenger to assess the damages. It’s minor body damage only, no mechanical damage, no need for a rental, no reason to not drive the car around, and they sent us a check for the cost of the repairs.  A big fat check.  After 3 long years of a $50/week grocery budget, limited “fun” money, building up then having to drain our emergency fund, counting every penny…. we should be out of debt in 3 weeks. God answered my prayer by allowing a minor car accident. In a couple months we will pay cash to get the car repaired, after basking in financial freedom. We will no longer be shackled to Wells Fargo.

From “God Moves in a Mysterious Way” by William Cowper

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.