A field guide to teachers

Teach"er\, n. 1. One who teaches or instructs; one whose business or occupation is to instruct others; an instructor; a tutor.

Most often found in the traditional construct of a school, teachers can come from any variety of background. Some students fear them in their natural habitat but this is most often unnecessary. In most cases, a productive and peaceful coexistence is desired by both parties and is perfectly achievable when the student follows certain educational, ethical, and proprietary guidelines.

EDUCATIONAL ADVICE

1. When a teacher has spent hours total in class explaining an assignment, giving examples, taking questions, and given the student weeks to do said assignment, the student is advised against saying to the teacher on the day before it is due, or the day it is due, any statement similar to the following: “I didn’t understand what we were supposed to do.”

2. When a teacher has given lesson plans well in advance, a separate sheet with due date reminders for a particular assignment, and reminded students in advance, the student is advised against saying to the teacher any statement similar to the following: “I didn’t know it was due today.”

3. Other phrases to avoid: “I didn’t know it was supposed to be typed.” “I don’t have it, is that ok?” “Can I turn it in tomorrow?” “My printer broke last night so I couldn’t do it” “I was busy this weekend and couldn’t do my assignment.”

Failure to follow these guidelines can lead to the following adverse affects on the teacher: irritation/annoyance, anger, an odd color change in the face area, shortness of breath, and/or apoplexy. In turn, the teacher may turn momentarily hostile to the student. If this situation should happen to you, apologize sincerely and back away slowly.

ETHICAL ADVICE

1. When a teacher has warned against any particular sources or methods in garnering research, they usually have good reason. A student can ask why, but don’t argue about it.

2. If this situation occurs, the student may think he/she is being clever by trying it anyway. When a teacher is crossed in this manner in their natural habitat, this often leads to dire consequences for the student, including, but not limited to, a suffering grade, the lack of respect from the teacher, and a trip to the appropriate authority’s lair/office.

3. If the student should happen to decide that they are going to plagiarize or cheat in some other way, he/she should not act surprised when the teacher catches it. Teachers are highly attuned creatures when it comes to authenticity of work. If you should find yourself in this situation, the worst possible reaction you could have is denial. Follow these steps: confess, apologize, and volunteer yourself for a trip to the appropriate authority’s lair/office. (The teacher will send the student there anyway; it’s better for the student’s well-being if they don’t make the teacher say it.)

4. The student should remember that in this case “an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.” The teacher is much, much savvier than the student. The student will get caught.

PROPRIETARY ADVICE

1. When approaching a teacher in his or her natural habitat, do not disrupt them in any of the following circumstances: they are striding purposefully down the hall, they have their head bent over papers or computer before school hours, or they are talking to another student/teacher/parent already.

2. If it is an appropriate time to approach a teacher, meaning they are not clearly occupied with other tasks or people, the student is advised to make sure he/she is not about to ask the teacher the following: any questions pertaining to topics already discussed, a question that another student just asked, or a question that has been answered on a hand-out of directions that the student has had in their possession for several days.

3. When the student sees a teacher at any time, the student is advised to make eye contact and offer an appropriate greeting. These can include, but are not limited to, a smile, the words “Good morning”, “How are you doing,” “Can I carry that” and/or “Let me get the door for you.”

4. When the student is leaving a classroom, the student is advised to say the following: “Thank you.”

Failure to follow these simple guidelines may lead the teacher to garner the irreparable impression that the student is a tool. Also, in using the guidelines, the student must be sincere. Teachers are well-adapted to smelling bull. “Bull” includes, but is not limited to, the following: Greetings in an unnaturally high voice, insincere compliments, smiles that drop as soon as the student thinks the teacher isn’t looking anymore and/or eye-rolling when the student thinks the teacher isn’t looking anymore.

CLOSING ADVICE

Students are also advised that in this technological day and age, they need to remember that if they are facebook friends with their teachers, then the teachers can see everything they are saying about school. Teachers are more adaptable to cultural changes than most students give them credit for. If the student wishes to successfully navigate through the teachers’ natural habitat, he/she must remember to work hard, be polite, and not ask dim questions. If the student fails to follow these guidelines and find himself in trouble, he shouldn’t panic. Just remember that sincerity goes a long way, as does chocolate, compliments, and the simple words “I’m sorry.”